We’re busy. We have work, school, food to cook, clothes to wash. And then we go to bed and we can’t sleep because someone didn’t call us when we wanted. Because we suddenly feel sad at some words we have heard. Then we fall asleep and the cycle goes again.
Woke up as usual, in a cold room, cold apartment, feeling a little bit tired, nothing new. Through the window only greyness and clouds, also nothing new, September in Norway. But something feels odd. Where’s all the confidence? Why all the doubts? Trying to look at myself in the mirror but mirror have no answers. Past has.
There’re always answers in the past. Unfortunately or fortunately.
I know I’m lucky. I’m lucky in some many things in life currently, that I should go all day around with a smile. But this smile sometimes is the hardest thing to get, it doesn’t come even if wanted. And then you feel bad because you know you should be smiling all the time. “Where’s your smile?”, they ask worryingly, and you can’t judge them. You just judge yourself all the time, with your past in the background that puts too much shadow on the present and future.
It takes a lot of tears and sitting on your own to figure everything out. It takes days, weeks, months or years to fix things in your head. It takes a lot of failures and mistakes to understand that all your thinking is wrong. Glad I understood that now. That those thoughts shouldn’t be there, that they are all connected to bad things that happened. Present and future are or will be brighter.
Thanks to Dodie for inspiration for this post. Just her songs, not her personally of course. And thanks for reading this, because it was quite personal. I have a lot on my heart recently (although this post is probably posted later than was written (end of September)) and had to put it somewhere. And I find writing about that in this way really helpful for myself.